I've made it to the crossroads of should and must.
It's taken a month of being mostly silent, a job offer that I magically manifested and ultimately turned down, an unintended meltdown at my parent's house, having zero dollars in my bank account, finding out my almost-ex has a new girlfriend, and quitting a job that is no longer sustaining me (which I haven't done yet, but am about to, because it's now taking more than it is giving). And so here I am left with the bare bones of my existence, which turns out to be the only place to finally be able to see how to move forward and start over. The fog is lifting.
I've had to walk the tightrope, stripped bare, with nothing but my own heart to catch me.
It's been terrifying and existentially challenging and has wrung me out over and over.
I had to let myself fall apart so that I could come back together and see that I in fact do have a wide net of love and resources and community.
I knew I was nearing a new edge. I thought it was giving up on my creative dreams to find safety somewhere else. But I realized I'm the only one who can truly knows what will rescue me. And I have always had what I needed, just not the belief.
Today I believe.
It's time to fully belong to my must - both feet, and all in - and let go of should, and trust that I will find my way.