leaving to arrive
Yesterday I signed the lease on my new space. I can't tell you how long and arduous this process has been, both in the actual administration of apartment hunting on top of the wildly emotional ups and downs of leaving to arrive. It's taken five months of searching, twenty-five open houses, several applications, two heartbreaking rejections, and one angel realtor who eventually made my house dreams come true.
Honestly, I wasn't even looking for a house. Through this whole process I was trying to fit my whole life inside of apartments, budgets and floorpans that were honestly too small, stacking up the kids, sacrificing a creative space, even contemplating leaving Luna behind so I could just land somewhere half-way decent. Part of it was I wasn't being fully honest with myself with what I truly needed. To say I needed a 3 bedroom house with a studio and washer and dryer and a back yard and a bathtub, felt like way too much ask for. But every step urged me to think a little more clearly, gradually expanding the edges of what I imagined possible for me and my kids and the life I wanted to be stepping into. Then, one thing (as it always does if you keep moving forward), led to the next, and those spaces I lost, thankfully, I can see were simply stepping stones to keep pushing me to arrive here. And guess what color my house is?
And it feels like magic.
It wasn't until after I got the approval that I began to realize why this house chose me. I can see so clearly what my life might look like under this roof, should I be open enough to seek it. Everything just fits, while with all the other spaces I was trying to change the shape of my life to fit and sacrifice important parts of myself in doing so. This is exactly the corner I am trying to round. Oh the lessons, and how they show up. I totally owe the Universe deep bows of gratitude on this one.
I can't wait to share with you how it all unfolds in the new house! Right now I'm up to my eyeballs in packing and transitioning, and especially navigating all the feels of actually leaving. My kids are deep in it too.
This is day one.
I will lay on the warm, empty floor and probably cry for everything I've had to let go of to get here.