immolation


"Go within, or go without. You must be brave enough to ask for what you want, but strong enough not to get it. You must be strong enough to transform what you are given into that which you need." 


I am currently in a season of deepest level change. Everything wants to be examined, upended, and renewed. My sense of home, my heart, my relationships, my work, are all in a state of mass deconstruction. Every single facet is seeking renegotiation for deeper safety and greater fulfillment. My life is begging for permission to take up more space, and for me to say YES to the things I've never allowed myself to want. Things that maybe I never quite believed I deserved, like more presence, more security, more love.

In my body, it feels like wearing clothes that no longer fit. Nothing in my world feels quite like it used to. In an existential way it seems as though in every sense of the word, I am leaving. I know that what is really happening is that I'm shedding some of my oldest limiting beliefs.

I am coming through a fiery, disruptive, healing season of Death.

What that looks like specifically is the messy and heavy process of grief giving way to great amounts of space opening up for what's next. Saying goodbye to these parts that no longer serve is not especially easy. They are deeply embedded scripts that fight tooth and nail every inch of the way out the door and leave behind a kind of emptiness that at first, feels more terrifying than anything.

In this expansion I'm having to reimagine all the physical and emotional spaces I inhabit and ask myself, "Where do I want to arrive? What do I want to let in?" This feels simultaneously like a profound and extraordinary gift and an impossible act of trust. It's incredibly hard to wish for what you can't quite imagine, like asking for something that doesn't yet exist. The answers are all unclear. Around the edges, it feels like heat, aliveness, comfort and liberation.

So right now, as the smoke clears and I begin to see what's left standing, there is a lot of slow circling and visioning and dreaming new dreams. Really, I'm manifesting an entire new paradigm, holding on to huge amounts of faith that the wilderness is always within me, and will indeed return.

But first, everything old must go.

My springtime is around the corner. I can taste hints of green and the promise of warmth rising up within me.

I know, somewhere deep inside the unknown, I am the forest. And stronger than I believe.