under the emotional weight
Our stories have so many layers. Three months ago I set out with fierce intention to wind into the epicenter of mine. It's been the most important rescue mission of my life, saving my abandoned inner child.
While I'm a true believer in gentle shifts and step-by-step change, some transformations take a giant energetic leap to shake all things loose so you can clearly see the bits of shiny truth to gather them from the rubble. This was one of those times. So I got my butt back on the mat, for reals.
Yoga has been saving me in all the ways. Not only has it been a way for me to process all the pain that has been coming up, but it has become like a second home for me deep in a womb of safety and honoring. I'm kneading out trauma and connecting with my heart and my body in a way I haven't in decades, remembering what it feels like to feel anchored and joyful in my individual physical power. Thank you Buddhaful Souls for coming into my life at just the right time!
To be present in the flesh is to feel all the feels - at least for me that is absolutely true - a lesson I began discovering when I started to explore my authentic sexuality, that disconnect from the body is simply a defense mechanism. Shutting down embodied sensation and pleasure is a byproduct of wanting to shut down other unsavory emotions we are not ready to deal with. Mind, body, spirit, will always work to protect us. Yoga was the way I snuck back in, and has also serendipitously connected me with community and a couple of amazing and badass yogis who I'll be collaborating with next year in the juiciest of ways! Divine timing for sure.
For years I have been trying to get to this place... through writing, through painting, through mindful eating, through sexy exploring, through gratitude, and while I am sure all these things have contributed to being strong enough and simply ready to do the work, it's the physical body that has been the magic key to unlock this door.
This has been a revelation and at that same time no real surprise... our bodies are our homes, in every tangible and intangible sense of the word. For so long I have felt completely buried under layers of physically embodied grief.
And so this night was both a new adventure and a celebration; a wild twinkle light infusion of new energy and possibility in this newly embodied place. I'm literally growing my wings and hoping to go aerial. They say that it takes three months to truly invoke change. I've been working my ass off for the last 15 weeks (so much "healthy" crying), and so much has been falling away and emerging from the ashes as I release the emotional weight. I'm not going to lie - it's been messy at best, but also incredibly illuminating and freeing and hopeful as well. It felt so good to pause and just take all the goodness in, to see that I can, in the face of the hardest work of my life, I can rise.
The not-so-amazing but utterly beautiful thing is now, on the mat, in the studio, in my life, I just feel more and more like myself.
Brighter. Stronger. Happier.
This is the ultimate transformation.
And everyday I hope it becomes more and more true.