permission to need
I have fallen deeply into the proverbial Red Tent this month.
Communing with the cycles, with wise women in my life, with a necessary kind of solitude amidst so much togetherness as the energy has been really intense. I've needed to curl into myself and escape more than usual. There have been many times in my life that I have wished for an actual sacred place to go and release, during that week where sometimes I can almost hardly stand to be with myself. I've thought more than once that it would be easier for everyone in close proximity if I could just disappear during the time of the waxing moon, and return on the other side renewed and right-minded.
What's been playing through my head lately is, "manage and be responsible for your energy", as a quiet plea to my own inner alchemist. My magic is my vibration, and I've been admittedly all over the map lately. It feels like trying to hold onto a lightning bolt. I think much of the intensity and friction is created by trying to be in a place of power that I simply am not. To give, when really I'm in a place of need.
Why is it so hard to give myself permission to need?
I am really terrible at needing.
Sometimes, it feels like a near epic task to ask for help. It's not that I think I won't get it, or even that I believe others wouldn't be more than happy to offer it. It is more a dark and twisty story of un-deserving. Self worth is so intertwined with receiving. How can I need something more when I already have so much?
Energy is as much about receiving as it is is about giving. It is a virtuous circle that flows in both directions. In my head, I know this. In my heart, much harder to parse. So I can ask the universe (I do), I can ask of myself (I do, a lot), and I can ask of actual people in my life (a rare occasion preceded by a great deal of doubt and self flagellation).
Trying to be or do things without being honest about what I truly need, is how most of my failures are born.
These are not failures of anything tangible. It's more in the environs of context and subtext where everything becomes tainted and the joy is surripticiously sucked from the moments, molecule by molecule. Nature abhors a vacuum. To give without receiving brings on drama and catastrophe in an effort to right the equation. I've seen this in my own life more often than I care to admit.
And so I need to become better at asking, because I can't run away to some mythical Red Tent every time I need nurturing and extra care and space. To sustainably inhabit my own life means learning to be okay with needing, receiving, and sometimes not being able to give. Even writing that makes me sort of cringe.
In the truth of all truths, asking for what I need is giving. It is giving to myself. So I can give of myself, completing the sacred circle, an act of generosity so taboo and close to the bone that it often gets re-named as the worst of all evils... selfish. And how f*cked up is that?
Still, that possibility of seeming selfish has brought me to my knees, time and time again.
I'm working to change that story, because I don't believe it to be actual truth. I also believe we all deserve whatever it is we need to truly be well and happy, which often means giving our needs a voice. We are the only ones inside our own head, afterall. Yes, I've been guilty of willing my needs telepathically and ending up hurt or upset if others can't magically intuit what it is I want. Not the smartest modus operandi. So being responsible for my energy clearly means communicating needs, something I can certainly be practicing with more compassion and love.
To need doesn't mean I am failing.
To need doesn't mean I am a bad person.
To need does not mean I am selfish.
Receiving is the way in which giving is alchemized. A much better story, don't you think?