holy shit, how did that happen?
I was driving in my car the other day when it suddenly really hit me… I am totally living the sort life I'd always wanted, when I sent my very first blog post out to the ether in 2004. I've come so far. In the beginning, I didn't really know what I was searching for. It was more about searching for connection, connection to others with creative longings similar my own and what I'd soon discover, a re-connection to my own inner self. Over the years the yearnings became clearer - I dreamed of an artfully rich, deeply connective, prosperous and abundant, indie creative life as an artist, story teller and inspirer.
So, as I was driving along the Plum Island Turnpike after just getting the news that the website which hosts my Inner Alchemy Circle online workshop, was full - a cap that I honestly didn't even know about, it sort of hit me all at once.
I am here.
And I felt this giddy lightness and wild grin spread throughout my whole being.
Holy shit. How did that happen?… was the first thing that popped into my head.
I guess it's been happening all along.
Since that first tender wish and hope-filled post, and a wildly unyielding faith that I somehow created around my life and work, it happened over the course of a decade of chasing dreams and shedding layers.
If there were a roadmap I could hand you that would direct your from point A to point B, I'd gladly tie a big fat bow around it and offer it to you with big blessings and love, but I know that's not how it works. Ten years in, I realize how this life alchemy is really an evolution of self knowing, hard-won by passion, buoyant love and support, and a certain unabashed vulnerability. If anything is the magic ingredient, that might be the biggest one ---> the willingness to evolve out in the light, be imperfect yet continue pushing through the fear and failure anyway. There were huge chunks of time, years even, where I doubted and it felt like a journey of inches, but this seeking heart always kept me searching and reaching.
It's humbling, really.
Empowering and deeply validating.
The only thing I had to learn was to believe in was myself, and keep moving towards her.
And so this, I now know, is the challenge every day from now until forever - to keep showing up to my desires, from one moment to the next. Sometimes I'll fail, but those failures get me closer to how my life will most succeed.
In this imperfect practice, I found my voice. I found my purpose. I found myself.
The minutes following the news about my sold out class were filled with excited thoughts of how I needed a new website and that it was time for a build out. I started mentally making notes about changes and updates and so on… but then almost as quickly I realized, no. It's not time to bigger, which made me think of The Lorax and had me laughing at my over exuberance.
Because it's not really about the selling or the biggering, it is about a deep and abiding resonance… a definition of success that is about being truly of service - making a difference in the lives of others.
So it's time to simply celebrate where I am. Who I am.
It is time to wildly BE HERE.
And so I am. Happily and wholly grateful.
Until it's time to alchemize another dream.