your letters :: on finding your sexy




Mindy, 

I think it's difficult to answer this question -- to get to our answer, amid the very culture (sex negative) you mentioned. I chose to wear red lipstick and a friend called, after seeing my photo on Instagram, and said "That's not you. you look like you're trying to be someone else."

I might want to wear certain short shorts, but the cultural messages against cellulite interrupt the vision and make it feel ugly, so of course, I refrain.

I might feel sexy, but feel, like you said, slutty, because that's what people tell me. A male friend goes into my instagram and sends me pictures and says "Why are you portraying yourself like this??? Of course you are attracting the wrong kind of men."

When I look and feel sexy, women friends distance themselves from me.

Of course.......there are answers to all of these. The one answer : it's about THEM, not me. But finding ME amid all that is HARD.

xoxoxo thank you for these Love Letters :)
always a fan,

Jess Brogan

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Jess,

It is all such a complex and inextricably layered aspect of so many things. Our sexuality is labeled from the very get-go in life with societal gender biases and expectations right off the top. My youngest son won't admit he likes pink anymore because a boy in his class said he isn't supposed to - this makes me so upset and sad. I can only say to you, as I did to him, we can't take on other people's discomfort. Others judging us is their own energetic junk - which you have clearly pointed out, and of course this is so much easier said than done.

And then there is the issue of safety, which is paramount for us, especially as women - to feel safe inside of who we are and in the world we live in is so critical. Attracting "the wrong kind of men" is just the f*ed up blame-the-victem kind of ideology that is so ingrained in our culture and the only way to take a stand against it is to say otherwise... to hopefully shed light on how important it is to take responsibility for our own thoughts and actions, and shifting perspectives around shame and judgement.  "Slutty" is simply a word until we attach ideas and judgement to it.  

Part of making it safe for others, for all of us, is taking a small amount of risk. It's why I'm putting myself out there, because clearly from all the responses I get, this is a conversation we all need more of... about how to exists with our sexual selves.

There is no easy answer. Stay in tune with what makes you feel sexy and give yourself safe ways to stand in those delicious feelings - you utterly deserve that. We all do.

Thank you for writing to me, Jess. I'm always so appreciative to ponder these kind of conversations with others. It makes me braver in all I say and do. So really, we are paving the way together.

Huge amounts of gratitude and love... Mindy



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