la vie boheme
I had a really potent and very telling dream last night. I dreamt that I was dying. But it wasn't the dying that I was afraid of.... it was the thought of not living... it was a fear of disappearing... it was leaving all this beauty behind. In my dream I took this beautiful portrait of my mother, full of buttery light, her standing against a shimmery turquoise colored wall. It brought me so much peace while in my minds eye I wondered and struggled with... how I can live while dying?
So attuned to what I am feeling right now.
It's never been more clear to me how my physical body is so completely tied to my overall wellness. Yes, I've always understood this in a clinical and sort of theoretical way, but I have never really experienced the depth of that connection until now. What can I say? I am an experiential learner through and through.
I seem to have waltzed into this new year with a really crappy dance partner... an umbilical hernia, and it has been seriously killing my mojo. But it also (not surprisingly) is the ultimate partner and protagonist to this narrative that I have taken on for my year in the root shakra... my year of tending to and nurturing my sanctuary. Admittedly, it's kicking my ass in a way that is yet to be determined.
I'm feeling so deeply the disconnect that my broken belly button has created. It is the painful and unrelenting messenger that it is indeed time to deal with this shit that has been on the back burner for way too long. I have had this hernia since being pregnant with my second, after all - going on 5 years.
That's the thing about authentic living, it's a choice and once you make it you don't really get a break. Ever. You either keep inching forward or you stay stuck, and to stay stuck feels like a death of sorts. This is not a dramatic metaphor. This is the truth and reality my tender subconscious is fighting with right now.
It occurs to me that this is a critical part of the evolution... that this is where I want to be! I'm approaching the lightbulb moment, but I just haven't reached the tipping point yet in part because I've been fighting it like nobody's business. But I'm so close! I can feel the edge with my toes! Oh, these lessons. They come on their own time.
Yet lo and behold... kindness and grace is always abound!... and today I will choose grace in the form of some deeply needed light and company of a lovely creative kindred. I know it is what my spirit truly needs right now - to love and be loved in this very specific way.
I heard on a podcast I was listening to yesterday that the voice of spirit, the one to tune into, is the one that is absent of fear. So much clarity in this simple statement... yes! And without fear I would choose to walk into this beautiful day with a heart wide open and be received into the love and magic of my own life. So this is fully what I intend to do.
Life over dying, baby! It's the only way.