tuck those ribbons under your helmet, be a good soldier

 {detail from my 2012 planner}

...the post title, a verse from this song...

Yesterday, I started listening to a really great podcast interview with Robin Fisher Roffer all about personal branding.  So many insightful and relevant tidbits about personal truth and best-life practices to chew on and I am looking forward to digging deeper.  As a result, this morning I threw myself into the long overdue task of organizing my life a bit, re-prioritizing and refreshing many of the lists and notes I have scattered between four notebooks.  My Planner Pad hasn't been cracked open since the week of March 19th, right before my dad's cancer was discovered.  I told myself then that I would not drop everything, that I would fight my way through it all just like dad, but this experience changed me in unexpected ways that only Life and Death situations can.

Now, sitting squarely in transition, I realize the importance of simply embracing this metamorphic stage.  I haven't really "worked" (read, done anything to earn money) in over two months time and I am wading back into those waters slowly and carefully, resisting the urge to just plunge back into what's familiar and expected.  Mostly I just don't know yet what Wishstudio wants to become.  It too has been going through big changes this past year.

I think what's happening is that Wishstudio and I are going through a core separation, like Siamese twins being surgically divided, the process critically painstaking to the successful outcome of two independent, healthy and thriving beings.  Since it's inception we have been intertwined, sharing one beating heart and blossoming and growing simultaneously.  After my dads surgeries, a culmination of a lot of things for me emotionally and circumstantially, I realized I was time for me to stand on my own two feet, divide the peonies and detach the roots in order for them to prosper and grow.

Thus my new space, and also my new search.

I am here.  Wishstudio is there.  But we are both still on the table and in the process of carefully figuring out what goes where.

With still a ways to go in my father's fight, a stint of sickening radiation likely on the horizon which has my party dress in a bit of a twist thinking he was through the fire and thankfully on to healing and celebrating, I'm holding fast to my own purpose, power and a faith.  What's different now than even three months ago is that I feel the certainty of an anchor, the faint illumination of a steady North Star that is my own light.  I can see it now, feel it there even when the clouds threaten.  Wishstudio, though a labor of love and joy, in some ways allowed me to hide parts of myself in the shadows of the brightness of others, but the surprise gift of that work was that it not only helped me to discover my real values and passions, it led me closer and closer to myself.

So I am fighting the good fight partly because I have no other choice, and mostly because I know that when I emerge from this stage of my life through the simple passage of time, my new wings will be able to take me even higher.

*tangential note to add:  just noticing that all the images I chose for my '12 planner cover seem to be telling the story of this year thus far, to a T.  the intuition is truly amazing. 

2 comments:

  1. It's always hard to start going in new directions,but you have such wonderful ideas and thoughts you are sure to make it through this tough time, and make sense of everything. I love your collaged planner pad,its so inspirational.

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  2. i appreciate the encouraging words, jennifer! xo

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